Escape TO Russia

Remember that game in camp 'escape from Russia'? basically the idea for this 'night activity' was that there were tables across camp (you know, one at the north end of camp, another at the south end, one in the dining room, another in the lake...) and all the campers had to run around getting all their papers in order while trying to avoid staff acting as the 'KGB' who would steal your papers or send you to 'Siberia' (the photo-development room).

Well, the past few months have been the opposite, as we try to escape to Russia, or rather, get papers for our newborn son to Russia.

So let us show you the game in it's proper order and where we are standing:

1 - Give birth to a baby. This part was easy for the husband, not so easy for the wife. We did it in Canada for several reasons, but mainly because the hospital in Stavropol has 'no husbands admitted' rule, which made us a little wary. Also, in Canada we are covered by medicare, so it was free.

2 - Immediately after birth, fill out all the documents for the birth certificate and send out the form. Do this immediately, like before even getting your wife a glass of water.

ALERT: Might not be a good idea to visit your parents in the U.S., since that leads to:

3 - After making calls to the hospital and the border, return to the hospital to pick up a document stating that the baby was born here. Make sure it is signed by a doctor. Expect to wait for the document for over an hour, and so (next time) bring something like a crossword puzzle or Chitas (case depending) to the hospital with you.

4 - Cross the border into the U.S. Show them the paper, and watch as they look on, impressed. Imagine how QUICKLY the other documents will arrive, and start telling friends that you will be gone in like two weeks.

5 - Once safely in New Jersey, decide (out of laziness) that you might as well make both of the kids U.S. citizens while you are at it, because it also saves a trip back to Canada to apply for the passport. Call the U.S. passport office, and listen to them tell you how for "just 200 bucks extra", they can have the passport done in two days. Wonder how much quicker they can go if you add a bottle of champagne.

6 - Wait for the birth certificate to arrive in Canada.

7 - Keep waiting.

8 - Call birth certificate office in Canada to find out what's taking so long. Discover that it'll "arrive on thursday."

9 - Wait another week and a half. Meanwhile, discover that you must go in to pick up the birth certificate, since you are the parent. Discuss a trip to Montreal.

10 - When the birth certificate arrives, discover that your mother can pick it up since her name is one the application as a witness (yeah!). Have her pick it up and rush her to put it on Hyman's bus THAT VERY NIGHT!

11 - Receive a phone call from your mother saying that she gave it to a woman who lives in Monroe, an hour from Morristown.

12 - Rush to Monroe the next morning, and spend another hour lost looking for the address. Pick up the package and return to Morristown. Try to make it back in time for the New Jersey passport office to still be open, but get stuck in traffic and miss it. Swear (in Yiddish, preferably).

13 - Early the next morning, pay 20 bucks to get two beautiful U.S. sized passport photos of your kids. Then rush to the passport center. Spend two hours trying to keep your daughter entertained while filling out forms, and then hand them in with every other possible document that exists, excited that you will receive a U.S. passport for your son in two days and be able to make a visa!

14 - The lady at the desk tells you that minimum time for it to be processed and ready is two weeks! And that is only if the application for the passport is accepted. Plus, they will take the original birth certificate and keep it until they send the passport! Ask her why they told you two DAYS? Receive the answer that two days can be done only if the applicant had a previous passport.

15 - Grumble and mutter the entire way home, with all your papers. Call Canada and discover that they can ACTUALLY do it in two days even for a new baby! Plus, instead of the 250 bucks U.S., it'll cost just 55 dollars Canadian to get it done. Immediately decide to 'be wise' and take the Hyman's bus THAT VERY NIGHT to Canada so the father can IN PERSON apply for the passport. Rush your son to a walmart for Canadian sized passport pictures.

16 - Get on Hymans overnight bus full of stale cholent, with all the documents. Look at the passport photos and notice that they are blurry. Get worried. Don't sleep.

17 - Early morning, drive to the passport office and wait an hour for your turn. Then let the woman in the passport office go through all your documents and finally tell you that the pictures are too blurry, but everything else is ok. All you have to do now is bring non-blurry pictures of your son. Excited, run home and call your wife in New Jersey. Tell her to do new photos and send tham on Hymans bus.

18 - The wife takes phots in a special place that even specializes in Canadian passport photos! Her mother drives to Monsey at midnight to give the photos to someone.

19 - Naturally, the person is located on the other side of Montreal. Pick up the photos and return to the pasport office, conveniently located all the way on the OTHER side of the city.

20 - The dude at the desk tell you, after you waited for a half hour, that the baby must be IN CANADA, and the photos must be taken IN CANADA, or that you must bring proof that you are living in your parents house. Return home dejected, wondering what to do.

21 - Find some bank bills in your name, living proof that you exist in Canada, and return to the office. Another wait. Another line. Another time told that the pictures must be taken in Canada. Also, they want the wife to come in, since next to her signature, she mistakenly wrote that she signed 'in Montreal'.

22 - Go home. Call your wife. Tell her she must come in with the baby. She rents a car.

23 - 2:30 in the morning: drive to the border to meet your wife, since YOU are the one who has the baby's birth certificate and without it, he will not be admitted into Canada.

24 - 9:30 in the morning: get pictures taken in the place next to the passport office. Wait in line. Triumphantly show the teller your wife and child plus the high-quality super dooper Canadian sized passport photos. The letter looks at them, and tells you they must be signed by your mother, the witness, to show proof that it is the baby. This is even though the baby is right there sleeping in front of the teller.

25 - Get your mother to the office. She signs the paper. They tell you to return at 2:00 PM and pick up the passport. Now on to the visa.

26 - Pick up the passport. The teller as a joke says he lost it. Not funny.

27 - VISA TIME! Call the Russian consulate, and listen to them tell you that it takes 3 weeks to get the visa, all the while they keep the passport too.



This is where we are up to. Further updates as events warrant.

To sum it all up, here is one of my favorite web videos:

What an ad for Torah!

We want to go home!!

It's been over two months already since we've arrived, and we want to return home. It's really annoying being away from home for so long, and away from a community that keeps asking 'when do you return' especially considering that the 'president' of the community is trying to do everything he can to get rid of us (and please G-d he will not be successful).

I met R' Lazar on Gimmel Tammuz at the Ohel. Our conversation went something like this.

Me: Hey, Rabbi Lazar.
Him: Sholom Aleichem. When do you return?
Me: We want to get back already, but it looks like it will be a while. We are waiting for the papers from the Canadian government confirming that our son was born.
Him: Try to speed it up.
Me: ok.

I wish it were that easy.

I guess that the reason for this mood is that we did not have the most productive day today. We have spent a month waiting for the 'confirmation of birth' from canada, then another week waiting for his birth certificate, followed by a trip to Monroe to pick up the document which my mother had sent there via Heiman's bus.

So we had the documents. Now we were all ready to get Chaim Shimshon a passport (and we were so sure we were saving time by having him get dual citizenship AND an American passport at the same time).

So we took passport pictures of both the kids (we want them BOTH to be dual), and went to the passport office. (IMPORTANT NOTE: they had barely slept. Miriam was sick with some kind of extreme diarrhea disorder rash. She still has it) We had called before and came with all documents we had, including like 10 years worth of Chayale's report cards. After spending over an hour trying to calm the kids, and write/gather the documents, the lady told us that she would need to take away the original documents, we might not get approved, and worst of all WE WOULD HAVE TO WAIT A MINIMUM OF TWO WEEKS!

So we left, and called Called. They can do it in a day, if we have a flight. So now the plan is to go to Montreal in time for Monday, and try to rush a passport for Chaim Shimshon.

This is so time consuming. When the passport is done, we need to get an invitation for him from Russia (since we were told that he isn't eligible to be counted on our visa... Which R' Lazar, in another discussion I had with him, said we might be able to do), followed by a visa. Only then can we return home.

I will make a Toronto fundraising trip of it, I guess.

Oh well. It's all Hashgacha Protis.

Letters in the Torah

I don't think I ever posted this, but a Sefer Torah has been donated to our community thatnks to Eli Ginsburg and Zeev Shurman. We will welcome the Torah at the end of August/beginning of September. We are selling letters in the Torah for 18 dollars a letter. If anyone wants more information, or would like to sponsor words, perakim, or parshas, email me at rabbizvi44@yahoo.com

Also, we are still looking for a sponsor of the Paroches' (cloth covering the ark in which the Torahs are kept. There are two of them, one for the high holidays and one for the year). The cost is approximately 3,000 dollars, and a Ner Tamid (eternal light which burns in front of the ark).

A miracle story

Today was a very hot day.

Elisheva "G" as we shall call her, was in day camp.

Color war was over (her team had won), but her counselors wanted to have a little extra fun.

So they sent all their campers outside into the heat for 2 hours straight. The children chased each other around and around until they got dizzy, and finally, exhausted, they sat down under the shade of a tall tree to rest.

But this did not satisfy their evil counselors, who immediately handed out water guns, and sent them back out into the sauna they call 'air', to have a waterfight.

While most of the s were given super-soaker 1200's, Elisheva "G" was handed a dollar-store handgun-soaker which didn't work, and she got sprayed until she wheighed 18 more pounds becuase of her soggy clothes.

The exhausted camper went to her counselors, and begged to be allowed to change, but instead they sent her on a yellow school bus with - metal seats, to go on a trip to... the Matza bakery.

Hours later, the "really tired" (to quote her own exact words she JUST SAID RIGHT NOW!!!) came home... and then a miracle happened.

Her brother-in-law, who is the super-coolest guy in the world ever plus he even knows how to spell, was on the computer updating his blog, and he agreed to write an ENTIRE post about her.

May we all be Zoicheh to such wonders.

Here is a picture of her.

Internet is a blessing

A while ago, I decided to search 'Stavropol' on facebook, and then message people telling them that I am a Rabbi who just moved here, and blah blah blah a Shabbaos meal.

It worked, because I found 2 ex-Stavropolian Jews. One of them told me about odnoklassniki.ru, the Russian version of facebook.

So I joined 'classmates', and added him as my friend. Pretty soon I started to find people we know from the community, and I made a group called 'Stavropol Jews'.

Then I was told about vkontakte.ru, another facebook style program, and decided to search there as well.

After several weeks now, I have compiled a list of Stavropol Jews, perhaps 40 of them on odnoklassniki.ru and 15 of them on vkontakte.ru. I keep meeting more and more of them (some of them in Israel). One of them is now a yeshiva bochur!

And that is how we keep in touch with our community.